Moms are always saying we should give guys a chance even if we aren’t attracted to them at first. Um, hello—what’s the point of living in 2017 if women can’t be as shallow as men? It’s basically the rules of feminism. There’s literally no point in wasting three hours of your life making small talk and slowly getting drunk with some guy that has both the looks and personality of a fish that’s been left in the sun for three days.
2. Always Look For The One
She may have had her own wild youth, but I have yet to meet a mom that is chill with the idea of her daughter banging random strangers every Saturday night. Most of them want us to end up in a stable (read: boring) relationship, if not married with 2.5 kids, so they’re always telling us to look for Prince Charming. It’s a nice idea, but not everyone has the time or inclination to keep up with an SO. Honestly, it’s way more awkward to explain this to your mom (if she’s nosy enough to ask) than it is to your actual FWB.
3. Don’t Go To Bed Angry
If your fuckboy lives up to his name and fucks up, you’re obviously supposed to let him know in whatever passive-aggressive manner you choose. Who decided that anger is solar-powered?
4. Practice What You Preach
Betches thrive on double standards, which makes this tidbit of advice particularly annoying. Yes, we call our moms every week to complain about the shitty decisions our best friend keeps making in her romantic life, but that doesn’t mean we should follow our own advice. If we got our lives together and made reasonable choices, what would we talk about at brunch?
5. Nerds Make Good Husbands
Sorry, mom. Being a nerd in high school doesn’t automatically make you husband material, or even a nice person. (Exhibit A: Every bro who complained about the all-female reboot of Ghostbusters.) TBH, I feel like the nerd-turned-hot-millionaire is something made up by Hollywood screenwriters to make themselves feel better about being nerds.
6. Breakups Mean Ice Cream
After a breakup, every mom winds up offering pints of ice cream, popcorn, and every other junk food under the sun to soothe the temporary wounds left by some fuckboy. It’s a nice gesture but the totally wrong approach. The best way to deal with a breakup is obviously a revenge body, which is hard to achieve when you’re posted up on your mom’s couch as she feeds you tater tots every half hour.