Yesterday, Kudirat Adebayo, was minding her business at Onipanu, a Suburb in Lagos, when a fracas between Policemen and suspected Yahoo boys escalated. The trigger-happy cops opened fire and one of the bullets killed the trader and mother of 3.
These are some of the stories we hear about Nigerian policemen, so in order not to be a statistic, we have listed 9 ways to avoid getting shot by the Nigerian Police.
Note, these tips are dependent on how inebriated the Policemen are. Understand their ‘status’ before you engage. May the force (not the Nigerian Police force of course) be with you.
Be obedient like a sheep
When Policemen stop you, I am begging you, STOP. Be humble and obedient like a sheep. If you’re driving and they say come down and open your booth, come down and open your booth. If they say bring your papers, give them all, including your birth certificate. Anything they ask you to do, do it. And always include yes sir/ma at the end of every thing you tell them. Be humble like a mumu and you won’t get shot.
Don’t look them in the eye
See ehn, the last thing you want to do is look a policeman in the eye – especially a drunk one. It might not get you shot immediately, but if they suspect you’re ‘looking them bad eye’ you may receive a couple hot slaps that will reset your brain and (depending on how you react after the hot slap) land you in a cramped cell where you may receive more slaps from the cell leaders.
Don’t look them in the eye.
Don’t look away
This might seem like a contradiction to the previous tip, but let me break it down. There is a difference between ‘not looking someone in the eye’ and ‘looking away in a rude way’. The previous tip means you should look down, like a humble servant deferring to his master, not away like the picture below.
This one is even worse. The slap will restore you to factory settings and you won’t even see it coming.
Don’t speak unless you’re spoken to
This is very very important. They are the masters, the boss, the kings, and you must only speak to them when you are spoken to. Don’t argue, just behave and you may live to speak another day.
I don’t know the origin of this, but it seems to always work for bus drivers. As soon as a Policeman threatens to arrest them they go stark naked and they are usually let go. Maybe it is because the policemen do not have anything to grab (except the penis of course – imagine how awkward that will be), or maybe stripping is a sign that they possess no weapons or have nothing to lose.
Whatever it is, it is an ingenious way to avoid getting shot by the police. Oya swallow your pride and remove ya cloth.
If they lean in and say, ‘oga, happy weekend’, it’s your lucky day. These ones are just hungry and depending on how buoyant you are, you can make their day by dashing them something. Let it not be a polymer note though. They might take it as an insult and …your burial will cost more money than that.
Again, this is not a contradiction to number 6. If they do not ask you for ‘something’, don’t give them anything. The Police does not accept bribes, and offering them money can lead to you spending time in jail or dying, depending on your relationship with the God you are serving. Respect yourself so you can go back home to your family.
Don’t be a Nigerian
It seems like there really isn’t a way to avoid getting shot by the Nigerian Police right? Well, don’t be a Nigerian. Move to another country and enjoy your self.
LOL. You think it’s only Nigerian Policemen that are mad? Wait until you hear of people like Eric Garner, Mike Brown, Diallo, and co.
See, while most of the members of the Nigerian Police Force are stark-raving mad, the Police in other countries have their own skoin skoin too. The ultimate solution is not to exist at all.