1. The Ghost Breakup. You went out a few times, talked all the time at one point, and then all of a sudden you never hear from them again and you start to believe they were a ghost the entire time and maybe you should check into a psych ward because they clearly never existed.
2. The Hookup Fade Breakup. It’s not that you actually break up with the person you hooked up with a few times, but you stop answering their texts as often and they send them less often and eventually you both move on and never speak about it until you see each other on the subway and it is Awk. Ward.
3. The Instant Soul Mate Breakup. You meet at a party one night and it’s so clear that they get you, like really get you and also they’re super-hot. Then they casually mention something you really don’t like, like a way too recent rehab stint or even just a hatred of your favorite TV show and you’re like, “Good-bye, sweet soul mate.”
4. The Fashion Victim Breakup. You went out with them once and it was really great! And yeah, their outfit wasn’t the best, but you met up midday and maybe they just came from the gym! Who knows. Then you go on a second date and they’re wearing those stretchy jersey shorts and an old T-shirt you’re pretty sure they have on inside-out and you don’t even wanna look at their shoes because they’re probably horrible. And yes, that justifies a breakup.
5. The Phone Breakup. Ah, the phone breakup. When you care, but not enough to drive over to their house. This is a good one for when you’ve been dating a few weeks but you kind of hate this person and you know it’ll never work out and if you have to see their stupid face one more time you might punch something, so you do it over the phone to hide all of your inevitable eye-rolls as you tell them, “No, you were great, really.”
6. The Texting Breakup. This usually happens as an act of mercy because if you’re dumping someone by text message, chances are they don’t even deserve that much. This person is usually someone you went out with once, or maybe more than once but they were just super boring or scary or creepy or all of those and you can’t even bring yourself to pick up the phone because they are that intense and you just can’t even deal with that right now. They either won’t write back or will send, like, 14 texts you really didn’t need to read.
7. The In-Person Wow This Is Really Happening Breakup. This will be crazy painful for one or both of you, and you know that going in. It’ll either happen on one of your porches or some crappy coffee shop that’s in between your houses. One of you might cry and even if there is no crying, there is some serious staring-at-the-floor action. That said, if nothing else, you’ll feel incredibly grown-up after it’s over. Because you totally wanted to send them a text and be done with it, but you didn’t do that.
8. The Everybody’s Crying Breakup.Maybe one of you is moving or one of you just doesn’t feel it anymore, but either way, there’s no malicious intent, just a lot of pain and sadness and crying all over the place in a way that is not dignified but is also very real and when you look back on it, way more dramatic than it needed to be. Like, snot-landed-on-the-sidewalk dramatic.
9. The Everybody’s Yelling Breakup.Someone cheated or someone has just been a serious asshole since day one or you both Sid-and-Nancy-d the entire relationship, and it was only a matter of time before you both stabbed each other or a puppy, and everyone knew this relationship was bound to end in epic fireworks. And it did! Ohhhh, it did.
10. The Long, Drawn Out Breakup. You break up, you tell everyone you know, you cry, you freak out, you delete them from all social media … and then you call them again. Or they call you. And you’re talking again. And rekindling the old flames. Then they’re being a dick again. Then you’re being a dick again. Then you don’t talk for five months. Then you start talking again and maybe you even have sex. Then you find out they slept with Karen a few months ago. This happens for way too long until you wring yourself dry of any and all energy and life left in you and agree this thing is finally dead. And then they call you one year later …