I got married a month and one week ago (not that I’m counting), and there are some things I’ve learned in said month and one week that I didn’t know happened once you actually do the damn thing, once the pictures have been posted (shout-out to my incredible wedding photogs!!!), and once you’re, like, married.
Below, a few of them:
1. “Husband” and “wife” are weird words.
And they sound even weirder coming out of your mouth the first hundred times (yeah, you’re going to be The Person Who Can’t Stop Saying “Husband.”). “Oh, hey, yes, I’d like you to meet my boyf-fian-husband! I’d like you to meet my husband!” Ew! Yay!
2. But there’s a sense of pride in saying them.
After you get over the being-old-enough-to-have-actually-married-someone part, it’s emotional to acknowledge you’ve gotten to that point with your partner. It took years of dedication to each other, patience with one another, and work together to get here, and the fruit of your labor is your “husband.” It’s like popping an 8-year-old pimple: fiiinally.
3. It is 2017 and everyone still assumes you changed your name.
There’s nothing wrong with it! But I didn’t. And seeing “Mrs. Dolinger” on almost every single check we received killed me slowly because so few people thought I might not have changed my name (like, thanks for your money tho!!).
4. It’s not exactly easy to tell some people you didn’t change your name.
I’ve started building an arsenal of responses to “How’s life as Mrs. Dolinger??” The first of which is “It’s so great! But I’m not!” But, as a coworkerrecently put it, when you see your 90-year-old grandma for the first time after the wedding and she gleefully exclaims, “It’s the Mr. and Mrs.!!!” you’re not exactly going to be like, “Listen, lady.”
5. The honeymoon phase is very real.
Happiness-wise, sex-wise, life-wise. In my personal experience, it seems to be longer than a month, but we’ll talk again soon — football season is nigh.
6. You’re not necessarily going to get all that wedding money back.
#Tbt to when I thought, “I’ll make back all the money I spent on 24 Obscure Etsy Golden Table Numbers and the six vintage masterpieces from WoodenSigns.com, it’s fine!!!” Well, guess what, kiddos??
7. But if there were ever something you shouldn’t regret spending on, it’s a honeymoon.
Sure, you might still be beating yourself up for your ultimately unnecessary fifth outfit change of the evening, but you will never, ever regret splurging on anything vacation-related during this time. Regardless of your budget, do what you can to make the most of the post-wedding honeymoon vibe and get away together, even if that means holing up at home with more delivery than usual. Newlywed bliss + time away from every other person = fire Instagrams, great sex, and fOrEvEr MeMoRiEs~*.
8. Everyone will tell you not to cry because it’s over but to smile because it happened.
Fuck everyone! You’re allowed to do both. There’s absolutely a period of post-wedding sadness that’s pretty requisite with the biggest party of your life coming to an end. You don’t have to justify to anyone why you’re unsettled and mopey after your honeymoon and you shouldn’t let anyone make you feel bad for feeling that way either (…@aformentioned grandma).
9. Nothing magically changes.
Spouses still leave wire hangers all over the apartment. And read sports tweets until 1 a.m. And fart. And snore. And there’s comfort in that! You married that smelly, messy, snoring person! You get to hang with them for life.
10. People will expect your relationship to change.
There’s no pressure that comes with the act of getting married; it’s the pressure people put on you once you are that’s stressful. Do you know how many people have asked me how we’re filing our taxes (really), if we’re trying (seriously), if we plan to breastfeed (still serious), and how much money we made (would I lie to you????)? LEAVE US ALONE, WE ARE YOUNG AND IN LOVE.